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Musings of a beginning social worker

I am so glad I paid attention in school and was serious during classes. Because I whatever I learnt in school can be directly applicable in what I’m doing right now. From the very first social work module, to the very last, plus everything in between. I feel ready and competent because I know that I possess what it takes to make a difference and have an impact in my client’s life (with on the job training of course).

From soft skills, to interventions and therapeutic techniques, to macro level issues, and even including research and evaluation. I’m seeing everything here and it makes me so thankful and privileged that I am here. At the same time, I have to constantly remind myself to be humble and not to be conceited with the little knowledge that I possess. I may have knowledge, but I definitely lack experience now… thus, I have to learn from my fellow comrades and colleagues, and discern for myself which way I want to progress.

And with each day, with an increased confidence, I feel like there is so much more that I can learn, because there is just so much knowledge out there. There are so many things that I still don’t know and it excites me because I love, absolutely love pursuing new knowledge. And it is comforting for me to know that there will always be new things out there for me to explore 🙂

So cheers for now. Bedtime. Goodnight.

Life & Death

Went to visit an aunt in the afternoon. Didn’t know the severity of her condition until I saw what was plastered on the wall. Her chart. Type – palliative care. And my mind went fuck are you serious? I’m not entirely familiar with what palliative care means but I know just about enough to know that it means that she was going to die in a matter of days or months.

Death seems like such a foreign concept. It seems to happen only to other people. People who are not close to me. People who are not my family members. I know that people die. But not people around me. I’m not close to this aunt. She’s a distant aunt. But it really pained me to see her suffer. I can only imagine the amount of pain she is going through. End stage terminal cancer. Muttering ever word hurts. Eating hurts. Drinking hurts.

“When will this pain stop”.

Never. I honestly don’t think that it’ll ever stop. And she asked for morphine. More morphine. And very soon after the additional dosage, her eyelids became visibly heavier as she fell into a slumber. I think that she doesn’t feel much pain when she is asleep.

And then it got me thinking about so many things that I’ve left at a little corner of my brain. I didn’t think that I have to confront anytime soon. I still don’t know what I believe in now. Do I believe in a heaven? A life after death? Eternal suffering? Sleeping for eternity? A state of blankness? A constant replay of everything that happened throughout life? Bliss?

I always thought that I was special. Especially when I was a kid. There had to be a purpose for me to be alive. Right? I see things through my eyes. I breathe. I am alive. I can speak. I can touch. I have a mind of my own. These things are uniquely mine. What is the purpose of me being here? I had to be special! No one else was me. Then over the years I realised that there are humans, people, who are like me. But right now, it’s clear again. They are not me. So what is my purpose?

Passion, purpose. Is it the same thing? My passion is say playing floorball. My purpose, is to reach out to clients and make an impact in their lives. But then? Then what? Ya ok I found my purpose. I love what I do. Then what? Or is it just.

Just.

Pain, suffering. Is that bad? Is comfort and bliss good? I think that living in the present has got me this far. Enjoying the happy things, and appreciating the sad things. It’s all part and parcel of life isn’t it? Life and death? Is death scary because we don’t know what to expect? Because it is the end of life? The cessation of life? Can we confront death like it is part of life? A all natural process and that there is a final conclusion. Like the curtains closing. A finale. A the end to a book.

I can say all these now because I’ve never experienced anything major in my life, yet. I know it will come someday. Someday may be today, tomorrow, a week from now, a month, a year… and I wonder if any of my perspectives and positions will change.

Pain. There was once my throat was so dry. It hurt each time I swallowed my saliva. I think that was the closest experience I had with pain. But I knew then that the pain was not real. Then it would go away. But… what if it never did? Would I feel the same way as I do now? To confront and to appreciate what I am presented with. Because after all, it all ends, and it doesn’t matter.

Then if it doesn’t matter? What matters?

I think… a good life. A fulfilling life. Then when the curtain calls, you can close your eyes, and sleep, for eternity. COS I RLY LOVE SLEEPING!

#existentialquestions

The trick to life is to give a shit

I primary school, I didn’t give a shit.
In secondary school, I didn’t give a shit.
In junior college, I didn’t give a shit.
In university, I gave a shit.

I always liked school mainly because of the people and I floated by. Sometimes I cared, sometimes I didn’t. I chased results sometimes just because it seemed like the right thing to do. I knew that if I wanted to pass I could, if I wanted to excel I could. I just had to set my mind to it. But my mind wasn’t to it. So I tided through everything, quite happily I must add. You see my life is all about school. Haven’t really stepped out there. So I really liked school but didn’t love what I studied that much. Ok maybe I liked literature. But that’s it. Out of all the gazillion subjects.

Uni. Wasn’t smooth sailing at all. Especially at the start. I thought I could just float by and do decently. Lazing around, leading a bummer life, slacking. Got the biggest shock of my life when I received my first CAP. Fucking 2.9. Almost all Cs. I’ve done badly before but it was for the small tests. Depressed. Damn caught up in chasing grades. And amidst all the chaos, I found myself.

Learnt how to use my heart and mind. Found my passion. Didn’t have force myself to fight. Didn’t have to force myself to be determined. Just had to follow that voice when I clear my head and clear my heart. Guess that’s what passion is. No more blind chasing. Just giving my best in what I loved. So from then on, kinda easy peasy. I just had to give me best, cos, even if it isn’t enough, it is all I had. It was simple and nice.

Life can throw lemons. I will just drink it all up cos I can take it. I might even learn to love it.

Thesis Journey

This, is my proud piece of work, some eight months later. I still remember how this started.

I was given the opportunity to work with offenders sometime in June last year and I really enjoyed this population. Offenders… are they really that different from you and I? Some of them were old, some of them were young. Some of them took drugs, some of them beat others up. So I guess… we are not that similar. But are we really that different?

I was humbled through the interactions I shared with these group of people and I wondered if there was anything that I could ever do that would help them live a life that they wanted. I knew very little, almost absolutely nothing about the rehabilitation setting. But I was driven by curiosity- an insatiable appetite to learn more and to find out more about how I can make a difference in the lives of offenders. I was very fortunate to be acquainted with my mentor and to be introduced to SACA. These very special people allowed me to explore my interest and they gave me a chance to give, to learn, and to contribute to rehabilitation research.

The process had been extremely tedious. It has not been an easy journey. This piece of work that I proclaim to be proud of is the most challenging assignment in my academic life. So I always ask myself during trying periods of time- is this worth it? And every time, the answer was yes. I had a greater purpose. The data collection process was the most enjoyable and the most painful experience. It was such a privilege to be able to hear the account of family member of offenders. To learn of their limitless strength, resilience, hardship, torments they had underwent , and troubles that they faced. Their stories often broke my heart. I had to do justice to these stories. I gave nothing but my best in this entire research process, the data analysis process especially. I hope that my best is enough.

I have to thank many people who have supported me in this journey. I don’t even know where to start. Family. My family have been an enormous support for me, don’t know what I would do without them. They bear the brunt of my incessant whining and the “writer’s (ok… joan’s additional) mess” when I stuck paper filled with my writings and ideas all over the walls of our house. They also shower me with love, care and concern, making this journey so much easier. My BFFs, Baoxian, Rachel, Nicole, Jolene who have stuck by me through thick and thin, they believed in me even when I didn’t believe in myself and that gave me strength to press on. My amazing social work companions, who provided me with motivation and unconditional support, Joanne, Elaine, Louise, Geraldine, and those who helped me proof-read my initially shabby work and gave me helpful feedback, Sarah, Rachel, Weihao, Alvin, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I would not have know what changes I could have made to fine-tune my essay.  To my hall mates, Ruiwen, Melissa, Mu, Syak, the rest of E3, and those I’m close to, thank you so much for being my pillar of support. I would have died of work if I didn’t have you guys to have fun with. Special thanks goes out to Eve who sacrificed time and sleep to help me during my most crucial period. And of course, to the people who have inspired me and allowed me to embark on this research project. My prison supervisor, Gracie, the inspiring department, internship friends, Grace, Abby, Sarah, Bern, Sheean, Atikah, Xr, Ger… without you guys, this thesis would not have happened. So a very big thank you, from me to all of you. To everyone one of you I might have carelessly missed out, who have at one point or another, dropped me an encouraging message, told me I could do this, supported me in one way or another. Thank you. Thank you very very much.

Still feels a little surreal now that thesis is over. It has been one hell of a journey. Tedious yes, challenging yes, but I would do this all over again. So… looking forward to publishing come June! Hope that my path with this population will cross again in the near future.

Our world

Maybe one day everyone will wake up and realise their folly and start loving each other. The world will be a better place.

We can do no great things; only small things with great love.

I forgot how to love. And if I had love, I would have done small things. I might not be able to do great things, but I think that I am capable of doing small things with great love. This year, I forgot.

Along the way, I forgot how to love. I closed my heart, I didn’t want to love anymore. I stopped caring. I stopped caring because it was tiring. Too tiring. My heart was tired, my soul was drained. I gave unconditional love for one whole year, one whole season. It showed through our team’s camaraderie, the bond we shared, and us clinching the championships. But I was sick and I couldn’t go on. I loved but I stopped loving.

I was selfish. I wanted love that was requited. I couldn’t love without being loved. I wanted to be loved. And so this year I stopped loving, because no one loved me. I felt that I was alone, that I was in this by myself. I couldn’t go on. So I stopped. I will only love when I am loved. I found love someplace else, and I gave my heart to it. I played to my heart’s content and gave my everything to them. I was happy and I felt warm; but a part of me felt empty, a lingering void.

I was selfish. My team couldn’t give me love this year. I couldn’t better myself. I couldn’t grow. I hated the captain. I didn’t like my team. I couldn’t be happy. I was preoccupied with what the team couldn’t give me. I forgot about what I could do. The little things, the small things, that I could have done with great love, if I wasn’t preoccupied with what I couldn’t do.

I forgot. I forgot how the people before me have loved me unconditionally. Nurtured me to become the person, the player I am today. Those who believed in me, even when I didn’t believe in myself. I forgot how I got here. I forgot how to love. And I am deservingly punished with this empty and lingering void that will stay within me for a very very very long time.

This is a harsh lesson that I will always remember. And I will eternally remember this mistake I made. It won’t be easy giving love unconditionally but I will move forward humbly and learn to do things with great love.  

When you’re happy and you know it

Some time ago, I found happiness.

“I keep wishing, every day, for happiness. And I don’t know if it’s a miracle, but I truly am happy now. Maybe it’s a self fulfilling prophecy, maybe wishes do come true. I am tired on some days, exhausted even, and I ask myself- is everything I am doing worth it? And I always find the answer. And this, makes me strong. I fight my fatigue, I find the things that energizes me, and sometimes, I find myself smiling, for absolutely no reason at all. And it is scary because this has never happened but this change, is a pleasing change. One day, I might lose it, all of it, but right now, I’m holding on to what keeps me going and I hope it goes on. I hope I go on, for as long as I last.

And it scared me again. Because now that I have so many things and because I am holding on to them so dearly, I am afraid to lose all of it, and I’m also afraid to lose myself along the way. But in these couple of days, I think I found myself. The part of me I know I want to preserve and not lose in my pursuit of happiness. The values that I will always believe in and my beliefs that will take me through my toughest times. This is what will keep me going, and I can never ever forget it.”

I think somewhere along the way, I forgot that I wanted to be happy. It is not that I was particularly unhappy or anything along those lines. I just wasn’t very satisfied, or contended with anything or everything. But happiness, if you want it, can you just get it? Sometimes, it takes very little for me to be happy. But other times, it takes a lot for me to be happy.

It’s weird. On my way to work in the morning I would walk past a park. Seeing people doing their morning workout, jogging with their loved ones, the elderly breathing in their dose of morning air, kids playing on the slide and with their dogs, these things make me happy and I catch myself smiling. I can be happy for no reason. I was just happy because I am. So you see, I can be happy so easily. Some mornings, I wake up, stretch, brush my teeth, and feel instantaneously happy. There need no reason for happiness. Imagine if we had to be happy for a reason. Then that happiness can be taken away from us so easily.

But we don’t just experience one type of emotion or feeling in a day, or at any one point in time. While I can be happy, can I also not be completely happy? Like at work. It’s quite a weird reason to stop me from being completely happy. I think my happiness is linked to many things. I feel like I have not enough to do at work. A typical worker will be happy because there is more free time for the self. But I desire more and I long for more. I want to be constantly thinking, pushed to the brim and to the boundaries. I want to learn everyday. I want to grow. And I know that I can capable of so much more. Because I cannot achieve all these, I cannot be completely happy. So what is happiness. I don’t really know. I just know that I’m not very happy now.

I really don’t like it when people talk about senseless things and are so serious when talking about them. It’s like making a mountain out of a molehill. I don’t like inefficiency. I think that there is a distinct difference between procrastination and inefficiency. Inefficiency is taking 5h to do something that can be done in 1h. Procrastination can be the same thing, but the main difference is the choice. I am easily irritable. But I think that over the years, I have learnt how to contain myself better. The journey towards being a better person and the person I want to be…

What the future beholds

The satisfaction derived from writing an essay on a topic you love :)) can’t wait for next two semester. I’ll ride past this semester and give it my all. No regrets principe.

Who can be worthy

It is so difficult to care for people. How can something so easy be so hard. To give, unconditionally, and expect nothing in return.

I have been taking and taking and taking. Being on the receiving end for so many things. Gifts, knowledge, complements, and many unquantifiable objects, tangible or intangible.

The concept of worthiness, should it even exist? How can someone be worth it and someone else not be. Then it’s not unconditional anymore. Or does the term unconditional even exist?

These simple things in life made complicated by the mind in a mindless purposeless pursuit.