Remember me?

Like a year or two or three  or four or five pass, you still remember?

poems

if i’m going start writing poems again i’m going to have to stop being so cheery and extroverty and keep myself in my little bubble of mine because i’ll have to think of the bigger and deeper issues in life and i cannot do so while passing quizzical and microscopic comments about the small and insignifcant things in the various occurrences. i want to do that. i’ve been longing for it, since i last remember.

in tomorrow lies (monologue)

i’m just very afraid that i’ll have to face my deepest anxiety and place a super strong front and pretend like nothing matters if i would let fate take a chance. as big as the place may be, it is still extremely possible that an unfortunate circumstance would occur and my mood will just sink not because its intolerable but because its flippantly tolerable. and everything would be surreal and it’ll just be alot of zooming by and cordial salutations which is i must emphasise- tolerable, but is a causal effect of mood sinking (as mentioned above). it makes everything seem as though it doesn’t matter when truth is that it does. and right now everything around me doesn’t matter at all because this didn’t matter and by conjecture and logical deductions, if something so important don’t matter, then anything else which has even the slightest hint of being less significant woulld not matter a single bit, i suppose.

Today

I need to collect my thoughts.

I like a little too many things. Today, I especially liked that I was able to wake at two in the afternoon and still continue to lazy in me with nothing awaiting me to do. I like how aimless my life is and that I can do anything I will myself to. I’m going to catch up on reading my new book, cant wait. Later on tonight (:

lose infinity!!!

over time, i’ve lost so much, so so much. and it’s only at times like this where i’ll stop think and realise that it wasn’t what i have wanted all these while appearing all nonchalant. but past this moment of profound epiphany, i’ll just be the same impersonal character and there is no mulling not because its not mullable in itself but rather, it’ll be too tragic and comsuming to do such a thing that we’ll just mourn and regret our whole lives if everything were to be based on that. so you see?

ps: sorry for being so gloomy, i kinda like gloomy recently

teach me how to smile

Today, almost for my every smile, I fervently felt that I was betraying my every emotion for with every tweak I give my muscle, I felt a stabbing sensation against my heart as if  the most painful thing on Earth was to smile. Some people seek comfort in seein joy in others. If putting on a smile on their face could brighten another’s day, they would gladly do it, submissively, or not.

But the thing is, I’m not a brightener, I dont do things like that. I prefer misery, and pain. Not to such drastic extents but I would rather experience a more diverse spectrum of emotions than remain constantly contented and happy. Because then, I’ll die a blissful death, such a conventional one. I dont wna put a smile on someone’s face just because of mere reciporcration. I don’t want just a temporal smile on their face during their period of stay in a supposedly fun-filled, action-packed and happy place where for a day, just a day, they can throw away all their discomfort qualms of being dissatisfied with the world, the sufferable routinal process that they have to endure when they are not here. I don’t want to be a part of a temporal retreat which appears to just be a facade.

Theme parks are happy places, it is meant for people to be happy and for them to remain so for as long as they would say. Well, that was what I thought it entailed, but well I guess that play and work greatly differs because as what people so advidly proclaim, work will be work and play will only be play because both of them are separate entities than will never meet altought they primarily mean the same thing, just like how a north pole and a north pole of a magnet is and a south pole and a south pole of a magnet is. Despite it’s disticnt similarities, it doesnt thus imply that it would naturally come together. Intead, so un-utpoianly, it devastatingly repels. And you would think that a working at a theme park is extremely fun and what not right? Well, it is. Only if you want it to be.

And hence, I know what my destiny is. I know that it is not this, and it will never be. Because it is not my cup of tea, I like tea, but I guess that I’ll take a pass. I mean, now more than ever, I’m much clearer of my aspirations than I was ever before and every step that I am taking seem to be pulling my closer to what I aspire to be and what I long for. What I can hope for now is that this feeling deep within me would not fade and instead, stay with me for as long as it would ideally be and that it would be exactly what I hope it would be and that my path would be obstructed and that I’ll be strong enough to overcome the obstacle.

I sound like a whole lot of crap don’t I? That is pretty much what I am right now. Crappy. Crappy character, crappy personality, as outwardly perceived perhaps, and also, innately? But who gives a damn, like seriously. At the end of the day, why does it matter? It doesn’t. Sounds selfish? It probably does on the surface level but maybe if you were to dwell deeper into it, it would not resound with hollowness but instead, make absolute sense. Or you could just continue thinking that all of these are crap, I suppose.

the fall

And if we’re not sure of who we are and what we are, we’ll fall relentlessly into the deepest trench and the only way to climb out of the deep hole is to hold on firm to our believes. But even then, it is not ensured that we would not descend because this world we are living in, is a scary one, an excitedly scary one.

LARK SIA

HAPPY LIKE FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHO CARES ABOUT THOSE FUCKING C HAHA DAMN HAPPYYYYYYYYYYYYY, EVEN AFTER A DAY. (but hopefully the Cs would not impede my entrance into fass) HAPPYYYYYYYYYYYY TTM, SMILE SMILE SMILE.

I’m even happier for my friends who did really really really really really well (hints:bx) when the board flash o8S106 and I saw the group of friends name, I was like bxbxbxbx in my mind, then THE NAME CAME OUT OMGGGGGGGGGGG, damn happy, and for the bsg mj people, I’m so glad. And congrats to most people around me, many many did really really well, like JILLENE! And edmund and brian and vel and lynnette and simyee and oh my, I’m so happy for everyone who did so well. And at the same time, sorry for those who didn’t do as well ):