Went to visit an aunt in the afternoon. Didn’t know the severity of her condition until I saw what was plastered on the wall. Her chart. Type – palliative care. And my mind went fuck are you serious? I’m not entirely familiar with what palliative care means but I know just about enough to know that it means that she was going to die in a matter of days or months.
Death seems like such a foreign concept. It seems to happen only to other people. People who are not close to me. People who are not my family members. I know that people die. But not people around me. I’m not close to this aunt. She’s a distant aunt. But it really pained me to see her suffer. I can only imagine the amount of pain she is going through. End stage terminal cancer. Muttering ever word hurts. Eating hurts. Drinking hurts.
“When will this pain stop”.
Never. I honestly don’t think that it’ll ever stop. And she asked for morphine. More morphine. And very soon after the additional dosage, her eyelids became visibly heavier as she fell into a slumber. I think that she doesn’t feel much pain when she is asleep.
And then it got me thinking about so many things that I’ve left at a little corner of my brain. I didn’t think that I have to confront anytime soon. I still don’t know what I believe in now. Do I believe in a heaven? A life after death? Eternal suffering? Sleeping for eternity? A state of blankness? A constant replay of everything that happened throughout life? Bliss?
I always thought that I was special. Especially when I was a kid. There had to be a purpose for me to be alive. Right? I see things through my eyes. I breathe. I am alive. I can speak. I can touch. I have a mind of my own. These things are uniquely mine. What is the purpose of me being here? I had to be special! No one else was me. Then over the years I realised that there are humans, people, who are like me. But right now, it’s clear again. They are not me. So what is my purpose?
Passion, purpose. Is it the same thing? My passion is say playing floorball. My purpose, is to reach out to clients and make an impact in their lives. But then? Then what? Ya ok I found my purpose. I love what I do. Then what? Or is it just.
Just.
Pain, suffering. Is that bad? Is comfort and bliss good? I think that living in the present has got me this far. Enjoying the happy things, and appreciating the sad things. It’s all part and parcel of life isn’t it? Life and death? Is death scary because we don’t know what to expect? Because it is the end of life? The cessation of life? Can we confront death like it is part of life? A all natural process and that there is a final conclusion. Like the curtains closing. A finale. A the end to a book.
I can say all these now because I’ve never experienced anything major in my life, yet. I know it will come someday. Someday may be today, tomorrow, a week from now, a month, a year… and I wonder if any of my perspectives and positions will change.
Pain. There was once my throat was so dry. It hurt each time I swallowed my saliva. I think that was the closest experience I had with pain. But I knew then that the pain was not real. Then it would go away. But… what if it never did? Would I feel the same way as I do now? To confront and to appreciate what I am presented with. Because after all, it all ends, and it doesn’t matter.
Then if it doesn’t matter? What matters?
I think… a good life. A fulfilling life. Then when the curtain calls, you can close your eyes, and sleep, for eternity. COS I RLY LOVE SLEEPING!
#existentialquestions
This Very Reason - 