Topic #1 : Latent Insercurities

Ok, let’s face it. I’m not ok, nothing close.

Days in school have been so………… and I’m drained, damn damn drained. Drained for trying so fucking hard, but seeing no yield. None at all. I’m so tired that I willed for myself to be sick, and that’s what I got.

Seeing people infuriates me, especially those I bear abhorence to, there’s so many of them. You know how I promised to be nice, and treat the people around me nicely? I did, so my eyes were opened to a whole new world I never knew. I found out that so many people were so judgemental, passing judgements like it was their given right to scorn at others. Scorn at other’s misfortune, scorn at other’s unprecedented plight .

Examples, do you want any? There’s this girl I know, she constantly judges people and laughs at them, because she thinks she is the embodiment of perfection, basking in the attention that she thinks to herself that she is receiving because, she is perhaps, pretty. But no, she’s not, because to me, she’s ugly. Ah, you see, I’m judging now when I condemn others for doing so. That’s the problem with people, they do; can, others do; cannot.

Example two, there’s this boy I know, who is so much less than perfect, so much so that he is imperfect. Yet, he sickens me because of the opinion casted on a passing random person in the canteen, who held no offence, nothing to him, nothing…

Michelle and Jocelyn told me that there’s this term for what people like me (and possibly them) are called. Misanthrope.

“I contend that every woman has the right to feel beautiful, no matter how scrambled her features, or how indifferent her features” — Marie Dressler

Why can’t we have more of this. I try so hard, so bloody hard, yet my efforts hardly pay, where I see only minimal yield. This is what I was afraid of, it’s all coming true, all lashing at me. If only they taught it at school, how to deal with this feeling that I feel. This feeling that no words can describe. Associated with sadness, disspointment, yet with a tinge of hopefulness, but dashed, time and again. What do you call it?

It’s time like this that I don’t know what I know. Even if I think I know anything, how can I be sure that these things are tangible? How can I ascertain that it’s true? There is no truth, none, none at all…

Just stab me already. Don’t get me started on friends.

Crazy Girl

Call me crazy, I most prolly am!

Updating on every blog that I have! Not that it really counts, it’s just mudane, unimportant updates that perhaps make up my life/ thoughts, or aiya, whatver you want it to be. I let you win. And why is it that every time that I blog on wordpress, I have a sense of increased sophistcation that makes me kinda happy yet sad that there is this inkling that I’m no longer as young as I think I am.

I think my brain is that of a like 15 year old. I will wake up in the morning and still think about lame stuff like what I’m going to eat for breakfast, I will think of the people around me and decide to myself who I like, and who I don’t, I will classify my friends into different categories and think to myself sometimes who top my list. I will pick fights with my sister and hurl harmless insults at her, I will annoy my parents by delibrately going against their mundane wishes when I truely am carrying out what they asked for. I’m leading a childish life, and I want it to go on that way. Because it’s better to be hated for something that I am, than to be liked for something that I am not. So cliche right, yea I know, I think so too.

Now, GP(even before the june hols yipees!) down, Math down, Econs down. Left with TEDIOUS CHEM and HALF LIT. Way to go. I’m finding motivation to study again after I just watched like 4hours of consecutive nonsense tv programmes. I need to print out the mid years revision package answers but you know what, I’m too bummed to walk to the printer in my parents room. It’s too far… Ookkay, I’ll stop deluding myself ya? I know my house is not thattt big, it’s damn tiny. And oh yes, speaking of my house, we’ve spotting camera crew filming around my house and we can see some tv people. Cool ya, filming at your house, think of it! I bet next tim tv come out, I will point and be excited and watch the show and be happy that it’s my house!

See, toldcha, my brain is propelled by lame thoughts. Okokokokok, I better be going, print out my stuff and go prepare for the long long long day ahead with a lunch and dinner date! I’m so happy because I like to eat and at the same time, I get to see people I like to spend time with(more than eating!) Oh oh, you know the less than (<) more than (>) sign? I primary school that time, really don’t get it leh, I think only until sec sch, then got it. Then you know like primary school damn easy get full marks. When I never get, then my mum will ask me why and I will say careless. I had no idea why I had to lie to. Ah, you see, a compulsive liar, right from the start, the beginning. So I must be quite a good liar by now, I suppose. Heh, but sometimes, I suck at lying. But I very good at bluffing myself, like pretending that I really am smart and stuff…

Ok, so long the post, my fingers like tired! See you all and hope no one reads this incredibly lame post. Especially since I’ve declared that I’ve moved back to simplyrocks! I really did (: just that I just randomly wanted to blog here and get this uhhh sophisticated feeling.