clementi or buona vista i cant even spell it

scary, its tomorrow. i’ll be at the other end of singapore. brrr.

hangover hangup, hungover hungup?

My heart skips a beat whenever something vaguely exciting happens.

I’m sure that every action is and will be accountable. There must be a motivation behind each of it regardless of whether it is unfettered and pure or dark and evil.

You want to know why? It’s because you still have what I don’t. Because you should have been on my side. You shouldn’t have flaunted (intentionally or otherwise) whatever it was when you perfectly knew I would eventualy find out. It’s not the way it should be.

Anyway, got my room. Glad I’m not staying in the weird foreigners. My heart sank and I was really annoyed and dishearthened when I thought I got into the weird block. But now I guess it’s alright and cool. I have a friend or two in the vicinity. Happy much.

I feel like eating carbonara so I’m going to cook it tomorrow, or maybe on Sunday. So many things to do. I’m going to move out permanently for at least a good half a year. Not that thrilled, but there is this little feeling of excitement. Uni life and everything. Fearful apprensive, but hopeful.

Ok so now, everything dissolve already. Like you know, salt, then you mix with water? After you mix it, its still transparent. As clear as ever. Like you’ll never know the difference. So that’s that. Think damn long and did alot of stupid things along the way. You know cutting yourself or pinching yourself is not the only way you’ll feel hurt. There are so many other ways, ouch.

Anyway, have a nice life friends. I’m sorry.

that little part of you

You know that little part of you that dies every time hope is diminished? A little at a time, somewhat insignificant, such that you do not realise that your soul has been drained away. Because every other second you realise another imperfection of humanity and feel that there is nothing more, no light to the end of the tunnel.

But that’s for suckers. I mean you can have your soul integrated and feel sad at times but come on, that’s all to it. I mean suck it up thats like. You feel sad. Good, recognition that you’re human. Then you move on, like a proper brave person should, full of morality and courage and whatever shit you want to call it.

So let your heart die. Close yourself to the world. Believe that there is no hope left. But don’t do it all the time. Ok go dwell while I um go to sleep! Goodnight

ahhhhfuck

Hi all its 1549 right now and I don’t feel a tiny bit like sleeping when I should because I was working this fucked up shift (which i voluntarily signed up for) from 2000-0800. Fml. Seriously, I have no idea what in the world I was thinking.

*shifts from coffee table to room, washes feet, attempts to sleep, but fails

I feel very third person nowdays. I think it’s a disorder, maybe I got a tumor in my brain and I’m going to collaspe and die like right now. Right………… Anyway work was like uhmmmmmm, I don’t know. I learnt a new lesson again today. I learnt that that some people can just be downright evil, like not on the surface evil kind, but deep deep down. I don’t know the the maglinance came from but perhaps, it’s the innate nature of whover the perpetrator is. With people like these, it’s really hard to believe the good in the world. Although I know that the good really do exist. But enough of that, because the thought of it makes me cringe and sometimes, I feel a tiny shiver run down my spine.

Work aside (it really is going to be aside for hmm, a really long time) I’m quite excited for school because I want to start taking the french module and the two psych modules and I really want to try social work too. And of course, hall life and all the bitching and backstabbing and most importantly (not forgetting), making true friends. I think that at this point of our lives, it really is important to have true friends. I’ve lost enough to know that and on that note, it’s not that I don’t want to tell you that I miss you but it’s because I know that you don’t give a damn. So I don’t know which sucks more, but I’m guessing the later.

My social life going to be @#*!@$%*!!! if it is in accordance to what people’s testimony. But thing is, @#*!@$%*! is not my thing, I like me time and I need it otherwise I’ll be, intolerable to the greviences of the world. Alright, time to watch show. It’ll be my lullaby. Dinner with island at ngee ann city later. Goodnight, looking forward.

hectic frenzy

Past two weeks have been superbly crazy. Back to back (almost) camps. Dying. Work in less than two hours. Dying again. I’ll be dead when morning comes. Camps are a torment. I really dread them but then again, it’s really important to get to know people. And it’s really interesting to get to know people  because you never know these people existed.

I met many cool people and many uncool people along the way. Just to mention, I met many psych majors, a first class honours guy and the president of mensa. So novel. And the thing is, you cannot really diferentiate them. How?

keesiao

the thought is driving me crazy. really crazy. like really really crazy. please help me i  need help desperately.

Overwhelming

But I need this. I need this to learn how to cope, to learn how to deal with time and people, and with academia being weaved in soon, it’ll be worst. A whole lot worst.

Right now I just feel like dying. But I guess and hope that it is but a passing feeling and it will be gone like the wind. There are so many things I want to do but there is only so much time left before school commences.

And every time I listen to the same song I feel really sad. I don’t think that the sad feeling will ever go away. Initially, you’ll tell yourself that it is just a phase and time will do you good. Well, it is undeniable that time does wonders, but sadness doesn’t fade, it just… well, gets less intense. It is still there, it will always be, but it will never be as overpowering as it was.

Time to head out for driving lesson. I hope I remember to check my blind spots, cancel signal on time, drive slowly and carefully, use appropriate gear, and again, safely. I think safe, very important.

Goodbye friends. I’m crazy, I have another fucking camp to go for tomorrow. I don’t know what I am thinking. Seriously. I feel like stabbing myself. I don’t even get any time for myself to just sit or think or whatever. I just spend time I should spend with myself with others. Do stuff like laughing and talking and stuff like that you know? Brrrrr, now I’m just a fucking whiny bitch who sounds fucking antisocial.

I feel extremely repulsed by myself. Bye.