Smile like you have never before

To find hope and laughter in the deep abyss of darkness is not at all impossible. You just have to put up a front and make sure that the outward manisfestation of your self conflicts with your innate characteristics. Only then, will you be considered to be happy. Because you have smiled, like you have never before.

This whole realm of stupidity is getting to me, hard. Dramatic nuances and what nots while higly entertaining, is definitely blown out of proportion and to some extent annoying. The worst is the proclaimation and declaration to the world of your supposedly inward feelings and expecting people to empathise and at the same time, being pleased by the general audience and the favourable response received. I would very much like to delete that account but I have to acknowledge that it now is a way of life- an unsatisfactory one. And extending such actions would not change anything but instead imply that I’m in denial.

So no. Lets hope that its only because people are stupid, ugly and shallow that makes this place such an ugly one. Maybe with smarter and less petty people around, that the world will be a better place. Damn. What a utopian mindset.

Not such a big secret afterall

In my mind got wasped perception all these while, no one read this blog, but like got. Dammit haha but heckkkkkkkkkk sia. Anyway I’m frigging happy and not happy at the same time because I got acceptance offers from Western Australia and Queensland, so exciting right?! But just talked to parents, don’t think I’ll be going. Not too logical to go anyway, it’s just really awesome and all if I really do go. Hope that at the end of my three year degree I’ll be able to go overseas for two three years for further studies and stop being such a mountain tortise. I wna go new zealand/ europe/ us study, I think that it’s damn awesome. But first, don’t talk so big, see my bachelors how first and where the f is my nus letter (acceptance/rejection) damn annoying. OMG I JUST CHECKED THE ONLINE APPLICATION FOR NUS FUCKKKKKKKKKKK I GOT AN OFFER HAPPY LIKE LARK HAHA

I don’t want to know what I really do want out of my life beacuse to think of it would be too incredibly scary to even think of it. I’ve been trying really hard to think but mostly, nothing come out of my thoughts because there is this barrier that doesn’t allow me to think anything beyond entry into the university. While I’m extremely excited to attend school again, I have this feeling that everything is going to be so different and so much more scary.

I wished that I had stayed in my little world of self decpetion a little longer and that I have not been so un-lazy as to drag myself out of bed on the fateful day where I went down with bx for the universal studios interview. Fuck it does seem so damn cool to work in a theme park. Universal studios leh cheyyyyyyyyy, right right right? Like new, novel, fun. And it turned out to be what it is afterall, new, novel fun. But really, behind all these fun stuff, there is so much dissatisfaction and you know in economics, we learn that big/huge/large companies have many advantages like economies of scale, eh what else, my econs phail la. But seriously. Past two weeks have been a nightmare for me. The real world is damnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn ugly. I don’t think that any words can describe my feelings more that the words ugly. I really got to see many many things that I was previously oblivious to and as literally and as aptly placed, my eyes were opened like it was never before. It’s one ugly world and I’m just afraid that as you go higher and higher and higher things will get worst and worst and worst.

But I am DETERMINED (haha) not to succumb to such ugly things and be fucking positive and see the beauuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful world as it is. I’m not even bitchy enough you know. That’s damn bad. Since when am I not bitchy. Always, I’m always damn nice. I know hahaha zz ok I bored, blogging so boring, its for bored people. Ya I mother bored. Or thats what it is to me at least I’m boreddddddddddddddddddddddddd. But I like being bored.

University

I am extremely excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

University of Western Australia just sent me a notification that they received my application. And all this time, I have thought that my application was not sent and that they have forgotten all about me haahahaha. I am damn excited! Hopefully Queensland and New South Wales will respond too, damn exciting. And will nus hurry send me a letter of acceptance (hopefully)   -sidenote: i usually hate it when people post about uni cos i think insentive, but i think this blog no one read so like private feelings, no one see (less people)

I can’t wait for school to start because as weird as it is to say, I miss studying. And working is so annoying. I mean it can be fun and all and with all the friends around, its amazing how much fun I can have. But I dont want to have fun! I dont receive joy or satisfaction like the way some of them do. They feel happy putting a smile on others face, providing the best service they can offer, ensuring that everything goes in accordance to a prescribed routine.

I understand and empathise and can see from their point of view, I dont feel the same way. Not a single bit, not at all. I’m sure that I am able to do just as good a job as any one can, but its not what I want. My life’s destiny or purpose is not one that revolves around making people happy temporarily. It is not, it will not be. Also, if I want to play office politics, I wouldn’t want to play it at a theme park. It’s so……………… out of place. A theme park is a fucking happy place and I definitely would not associate it with any misendevours of any sort.

I really feel like Charlie Gordon when I am at work. He is a character in the book Flowers for Algernon. Well, he was a retard with close to zero IQ but with lousy technology and screwed up doctors, they managed to programm him to become really really really smart. But it is precisely because of his sudden increase in intelligence quotion, that he was able to see, feel and experiences the greviences of the world which he was previously oblivious to. He could, with the sudden surge in IQ, feel shame, lust, anger, emotions, in which he wasnt at all capable.

So with everyday spent at work, my eyes (just like Charlie’s IQ) opens wider and wider and with each passing day, it only confirms my dissatisfaction of what the real world entails. Which makes me long for my zone of comfortability- school. But even that, I have my doubts. It’ll never be the same as it was and it’ll never be what I expect it to be.

Oh fuckkkkkkk, who gives a fucking damn. Just suck it up and move on you dweller. Stop dwelling.

in that deep deep hole

Burried deep within me, is a really nice person (ya fuck, kid who). That is what I would like to believe. I know that I am impersonal, blatant and blunt, but that doesn’t stop me from being any less discerning or from making me feel bad about my actions. I just have the compelling need to act on how I feel because at the moment, it seemed only natural to be doing something like that.

Sure I’ll have to go through the dreadful process of self-aggrandizement and internal turmoil or struggles but it is my innate personality and I can’t help but feel that way. Just like how some people are programmed to be smart, to be socially inadequate, to be discriminated against, to be blind in both eyes, I am just what I am.

And right now, more than ever, I am most annoyed with myself more than anyone else I can be annoyed with. I don’t know if I don’t want to be the person I have constructed myself to (or as innately chatacterised) be or that I don’t want to be the person that society has constricted and defined that a good person is one who is angelic and nice and thougtful and that because I am none of the above mentioned (instead, stark contrast!) that I want to construct myself to fit into the ideal figure that people would look up (disgusting) to. Right now, I don’t know what I am annoyed at.

Or if I’m upset because I am just meant to be. Because life would be just too plain if I wasn’t upset and annoyed and lived to be just mindlessly happy and that my only goal in life is to strive for happiness. That would be plain, and boring, and plain. How happy do you want to be? That is so plain. If you had never experienced sadness, or disappointment, how would you know to be happy, to be estatic, to feel on the scale of happiness?

I want to take a piece of paper and shred it into a thousand pieces. I want to look into the river and throw unending stones at the relection I see because I know that it wouldn’t at all hurt. I want to run so fast that I can feel my heart pound so heavily that I know that I am alive. I want to step on prickly needles and see if my feet would hurt or bleed if I were to act on such an inconclusive impulse. I want to close my eyes and feel. That’s all I want.

(I know like weird, but whatever, weird weird, like matter like that)

no

Apparently not. And right now, I just feel an overwhelming sense of sadness which is bad isn’t it. Fucking wasted and it was just bad bad and more of badness. I’m still on this now and I can’t believe that I still am. It’s getting to me again and again, time after time, after I forget for a long time and when I think that I’m proper and recovered and ready to be a good person again. It just gets to me, you do, and it’s ever so annoying because I can’t seem to control these inconceivable feelings. I know and am extremely aware of the fact that I am but only human but if I am myself unable to control my feelings and emotions, then they would get the better of me and cloud my propensity for objectification.

Now, I outrightly admit that I was hurt deeply and greatly and I felt that my heart tore into a thousand pieces just as how a glass would shatter into a million smithereens when broken. And as much as I would want to deny that my outward appearences does not have any linkages towards the few experiences that have influcened my character, I cannot, because I am unable to. And as much as what you want to believe is true will be true, the saying doesn’t work every single time, because ultimately, it’s illusion versus reality.

But now things are better and I have this sense of self gratification and that I have grown so much more than I had if my life was just peaceful and mundane. Sometimes, in order to protect yourself from the greviences of the world, you build certain protective layers around yourself and pretty soon, you’ll realise that these layers are stone hard, like a rock wall that cannot be broken or penetrated. Because you will not let your guard down and allow for yourself to be wounded again and again, time after time. To be sad, I would just have to remember sad things, and I would be absorbed in this whole realm of sadness.

But yesterday was on a whole, great.