everything is so mundane and insignificant now but it’s what we call falling into place. tkband concert yesterday saw a few old face. im at a loss of words, like nothing can describe anything. but i like soup like those chinese soup or thai soup or cream soup. im for soup, learn how to make, next time make for you.
future so bleak no. but nothing is completed yet. bitch and nonbitch. people. i dont know anymore, not making sense right. i know.
I miss you(plural) alot. And as much as I would like to revive the times that we(plural) shared together, it’ll be tough, damn hard for it to ever happen, because we each(plural) have our separate lives now and that the reason and defination of the past is that- it is an element of perhaps, history, one that cannot be reverted. And hence, with deepest regret, I’m sorry, for you all, that I cannot bring myself to be in contact with, because I can’t, and you(plural) can’t to.
(Plural) is delibrately inserted to prevent gross misinterpretation and artificial investment of meaning that resonates with hollowness
None of this feel real.
Sometimes, it even feels dreamy, it is as if the only difference between a nightmare and reality and a dream and a positive outcome is that one happens when your eyes are closed, and usually at night.
Previously, I could distinguish between these conflicting circumstances, but more than lately, the only thing that lies apart, really is the eyes. Everything lately have been a blur and when I do things, I tend to see it in a third person perspective. How so.
You, misanthrope.
we invent deceptive phrases and convince ourselves that what we believe to be is true, and become increasingly self indulgent. then its as if everything around is surreal and that the only people who exist are those we will and then our world revolves around only us and them. but it is not always that we are always oblivious to our surroundings. because we know that the ozone is depleting, how to conduct mathematical induction, and we understand the complexity of what being modernistic and breaking free from the confining nets of society means, then we gain insights on how a dollar we spend would mulitpy into billions. and right now, im too self absorbed about what is going on in my life that i cannot bother about anything else. im sure many of you, too.
they say that they want to be a doctor. a lawyer. a successful business man, to make it big in the future. to have kids and to marry someone they love. they think about their future, they know it all. i think about mine to. i think about how i know nothing and how i dont want to know any of it. thats how
the feeling is finally back. it is this that i longed for. i want days to pass me by with this. maybe one week i could be happy, and the next i could be sad. but i want it to be so. i dont want to be happy all the time. i dont just want to feel. i want to feel deeply. i dont just want to understand, i want to know. i dont just want to be surfacely judged, i want to be knowingly judged. i want to talk like this, where no one would comprehend what my trains of thoughts are. people always think that they know it all. if you wear a frown on your face, it means you’re sad. if you smile, then you are happy. but how so. what if a smile is just a bend on your lips and a frown is just a bend on your forehead. ok it is just a bend. why read so much into such miniscule details. does it even matter. and so you know a bend is a bend and he is happy and he is sad. do i even know what i is it that i feel. what is feelings anyway. happy, sad, win, lose, broken, dejected, overwhelmed, overjoyed. so now we are defined by these singular words, so we are just words. if you say you cant decide how you feel, it is thus a feeling unfeelable. but it is still quantified. but what if my state of mind is still a state of blank, where words swirl and swirl, and its still a state of blank and swirl and swirl and swirl. and can we control our bodies, or are they souls of their own swirling and swirling and swirling. you tell yourself you want to do something, you dont. you know that its wrong but you hide the thoughts, pretend it doesn’t exist because i dont know why, because the mind swrils just like the body, swirling and swirling and swirling. and sometimes i just wished that everyone will be sucked into this whirpool where each would be directed to a different compartment to die because to die is so beautiful because humans are irritating and unworthy and when they die, it’ll be black, space, nothingness. which is bliss, an empty bliss that is the epitome of perfection. where are you where we used to have these weird long conversations about the most nonsencial ideas and laughs at the stupidity of my inconclusive thoughts, back, its all back.
This Very Reason - 