A New Year

Training today was a blast because I didn’t suck as much as I usually did. I do not want to dissapoint my team. Yes it is just ihg but it is ihg and I am a eusoffian (wa wa wa). I feel very fierce when I wear yellow and I shouted damn loud just now and I was so happy I shouted because haha it was just damn stupid and fun. Which makes want to stay hall next year.

Oh how tides change. Just last semester I dreaded and hated staying in hall, taking every opportunity I had to go back home. Now? I’m even spending my weekends here, the irony of it all.

And I think I can better manage my time because I have less. I don’t waste (ok I try not to waste) time doing stuff like watching tv and all and this sem, I have the pleasure of doing pleasurable readings because I am doing lit! Yay!!! Unlike modules like southeast asia. Omg fuck you sea I don’t even give a damn. So you see how important it is to take things you do not hate. It makes life so much more enjoyable.

Kay my resolution for cny? Be nice to the old(er) relatives even if they try to annoy me. *They are just trying to be nice*

You try so hard

Fuck la seriosuly. I try so damn hard and people just keep making small requests. Travel abit will die is it late abit will die is it part with some money will die is it. Will die then don’t meet la fucking annoying. I fucking hate texting and yet I still do it because I think that people are worth it. It might sound extremely weird to you buy yes I hate it. And time and again and again people ask me all sorts of weird question that I have to answer? And if I don’t reply I become a bitch? Fuck you.

):

i hate being ordinary, especially when everyone else is extraordinary. fuck since when i have self esteem problem? everyone just so fucking smart and so fucking talented. annoying.

Girl Next Door (well, almost)

The girl next door is someone you typically fall for. Well, that is if you’re a guy, and if she’s pretty. And since I’m not into those girl on girl actions they shall remain friends, or accquaintances, whatever you want to call them. So long as they are no annoying.

I am mega annoyed but I haven’t said a word to anyone. Maybe I’ll tell ser this afternoon when she comes over but I’m going to explode. FUCK I HATE HER. I don’t know if she’s trying to make jokes or if she means what she says. Because #1 its not funny #2 is irritating #3 the face like annoying #4 not cool #5 ask stupid favours and it goes on and on and on and fuck.

I hate myself for being increasingly sensitive. I realise what harm I can do to people if I openly bitch about them. People start agreeing with me. Not that it’s bad thing but I don’t want someone’s life to crumble (ok not crumble but like people will point and talk) because of something trival and stupid. I think that’s why I”m restraining myself from telling everyone.

Is considering people’s feeling part of growing up? _|_

standstill

I don’t feel any better or any worst than I did yesterday. The only thing I feel is less exhausted but even so, I can still feel my ankle and my arms, as if they are not part of me because I have to make a special effort just to move them.

No trainings today, huge sigh of relief. Really really exhausted and I finally have the luxury of time. To sit and type and later, read my readings. At least they aren’t boring you know. New semester new beginning I just cant wait to give my best and know that that’s all that I can give. I haven’t done it since the O’s and I’m going to do it now.

Strong

I sometimes wonder how people cope. I am overwhelmed with fatigue and my books? I’ve barely touched them and this cannot be the case. I marvel at people who excel in every area in their life and I only feel like killing them because they make me look like such a failure.

I’m eaten up by hall now and I don’t like it. This week I was home for less than one day. If I didn’t skip the handball match, I’ll would only have been home for a few hours. Fuck, I hate this life but I have no idea why I’m committing to hall. I even turn down my friends for trainings what the fuck. Damn freaking annoying. And it is not helping when the organising committee is such a fucking slut.

Things can only get better from here because life sucks so much now that I’m sure it cannot suck any worst. Ok wait am I sure? This is sem 2 week 2 day 1, and so I say, fml.

Loser tsk

I’m not that immature and stupid girl I was two years back, looking like a damn fool. And the worst thing is, I didn’t even think that I was a fool? Haha it’s quite funny to look back on all these now. Like how insignificant it all seems now but how hung up I was then. I cannot comprehend. Come to think of it, I have no idea why it even happened in the first place? We are from two different worlds and I really mean it. I just feel like laughing now and I am not at all cynical.

I was attempting to pack a few days back and I chanced on the little postcard. I remembered it made me leap because it meant so much to me then. Because it was so funny, the note on the postcard was scrawled with an ugly blue ballpoint handwriting and beneath it was some pencil sketches, like a draft. I was so happy. But I think everything just started going downhill from there. I also found a black book like 1/4 filled, supposedly meant for a birthday present, but it never came true because everything had turn sour by then. And I looked at some of the pictures and some of the words inside, I just started laughing and rolling my eyes at myself. Damn glad I didn’t throw it away because hahahaha its a damn big joke.

I didn’t even know why I chose that best friend out of so many other friends that obviously liked, loved, cherished blah blah blah me better. And I just chose to close my heart to the world saying no more best friends for me, when there are so many of them around. I chose to quantify them as very good friends, I just didn’t want to call them best friends because pardon me, I had a very wasped perspective, I thought that best means one and only. But now I know, I have many best friends. That I can just text or call and talk rubbish if I ever want to or force to accomodate me or to do nice things for them, there are so many of them. The only tiny regret is turning a few people here and there down because I chose to close my heart and I guess I directed it at these people. As much as I wish now that I haven’t done it, I know I would have done it nevertheless at that moment at that time. And hey friends, I love you all and maybe love is a too strong a word but idea okay.

Its not that often that I’m this mushy so just treasure it. I have no idea what came over me. I always wished that we remained friends and ferverntly hoped that things could be the same as before, like maybe a year before the whole epidsode but it’ll never come true. Not that I mind anymore but it would be nice.

Twitter

I kinda can’t stand how some people tweet not stop about everything. Just everything. And I can’t stand it to the extent that many times before I tweet, I would think twice making it so unnatural and gross. But I am serious, some people are just _|_ but they are not as bad as those who relentlessly update on facebook. Attention seekers. So I retreat into my little cyberspace corner here that almost no one visits. I’m so glad I have you wordpress (:

Anyway, just moved into hall. Unpacked the bare necessities and spreaded my bedsheets. Later I have to open my luggage because I would have to change into something more decent for lecture sigh. I wished I could just hide in my little hole and not do anything you know you know?

Ok I’m going to take a short nap now. Still jet lagging, for 2 days already. I’ve been sleeping at 5am for the past few days and I cant help it. And today, worst, because I usually wake up at 3pm. Today I woke up at 6am fml. Training at night looking forward good morning people rise and shine.

School is starting