?

): i saw sitting on my table 3 letters from 3 universities

CRAPPY FEELING

(Looks at heading) I feel like crap now, and my entire mind is clouded with the thought of the impending day; 5march. I mean ): what I’m going to get will be the determinent of my entire future in one way or another. You see, if I do well, I’ll have a better future and get into the course of study that I intend to pursue. But on the flipside, if I dont do well, then I’ll have a less fortunate and more un-ideal future that will be paved. Right now, I could do well or badly and my propensity of worrying is not uncalled for.

It’s so weird that I’ll still be me but that I’ll be more or less of a competent person based on this set of ascribed results that I will inevitably receive by friday. I mean, my level of dilligence-smartness-dumbness-laziness-goodbadvalues are already in me and it’s not like this set of results will change me in terms of skills. So it’s really weird and that it really doesnt make sense to me right now at this point of time where any sort of objectivity is concerned. Because, I am nothing and nowhere near being objective.

And my stomach feels really really queasy. And at occasional moments, there will be a shiver down my spine and I’ll feel like my heart has just been stabbed continously and that the bleeding would not stop because everything just hurts so much. But these feelings seldom visit me. It is only at the weirdest times that these unfortunate emotions are being exposed and when it happens, there’ll be this lapse into blankness? I dont know, I’m feeling really tired and really sad right now. But just now was great (bbq with band friends-7 years and going, we are old old friends yeaah) and it was nice to see familiar faces again, thanks for just now everyone (:

Beyond

Hi. Today is a good and bad day. Long long day today, lasted from yesterday tho. We did overnight movie so we could have a deeper understanding of the show and it was overall-ly great.

But today was kinda screwed up for me because I was damn fucking irritated by everything that could possibly be irritable. You know you know, yeah fuck that.

So anyway, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day and the results thingy will be soonish over, and that all will be well.

how things can be

hello im not in a good mood now hence am in a ranting mood. i woke up feeling really sore and i thought about the irate feelings that got the better of me and i felt that i wasnt in control because what seemed so mundane can be a further and unjustified extention and reflection of who i am exteriorially and blahhh.

my mind just went blank.

i dont know now which is worst, waking up everyday and dreading for the rest of the day to past and then once the day is over, or that, i’ll dread the part where i have to close my eyes and pretend that i want and need to go to sleep and toss and turn until i finally do. i have no idea how the mechanism of sleeping works just like how i have absolutely no idea about pretty much everything that surrounds me.

or would i prefer to go to work, lugging myself out of the house and conform to what the general populations does and squeeze onto public transportation and get mildly irritated or extremely irritated to the extent that it affects my mood and day. then the rountinal process will as rountinal suggest, continue, again and again and again, until somewhere in march, which i also dread because of the whole results thing and how my future now is so bleak.

i know what i want to do but right now, there is this potential barrier that is separating me from my aspirations, and it is as if everything is entirely dependent on the impeding set of results that i will get. the results that has already been sealed after each paper when i wrote the very last word or numerics.

and then it would seem that the sole determinant of my entire worth as a person is based on this set of results that i have resonates only with uncertainty. so now, my temporary comfort is as mundane as it seems, to drag my lazy ass out of the house four to five days a week and meet people who are more interesting than i am in an uncommon sense and as i’ve said before, enjoy a hearty laugh about the less significant things in life, and pretend that everything is as jovial as it is on the surface and await for that dreadul day to come.

Be mindlessly happy

😀 Work at uss bsg this week has been nothing but great. Too bad the bestest shift has ended yesterday with the can-wake-up-at-1pm-and-still-be-on-time and the free midnight cab home. The incessent hilarious things that happens during work, what more can I ask for. I haven’t been regretful and even if I do resent the job, the feeling will only come and go because good > bad.

It’s better when people are simple and less complex because you don’t have so much to deal with and that even if they are not, you don’t have to fret about trying to read them as you would in school. And then you’ll sit around the table and talk and eat and not worry about your future that will come by. It puts your mind off things and gives you momentary comfort while you laugh about the less significant things in life and feel a sense of self gratification that you’ve struggled to find all these while only to realise that it is not beyond your reach.

Then during the days that you do not have to spend in the supposedly tiresome job, you’ll get to laze and bum around in your comfortable house and lay on the couch till you have the inclination to move your ass and get something more fruitful done than just holding a soft cushion in your hands. And then you’ll snap out of the I’m-in-my-own-world-live-me-alone-i-wna-bite-you perspective and be a much more amiable person.