When you’re happy and you know it

Some time ago, I found happiness.

“I keep wishing, every day, for happiness. And I don’t know if it’s a miracle, but I truly am happy now. Maybe it’s a self fulfilling prophecy, maybe wishes do come true. I am tired on some days, exhausted even, and I ask myself- is everything I am doing worth it? And I always find the answer. And this, makes me strong. I fight my fatigue, I find the things that energizes me, and sometimes, I find myself smiling, for absolutely no reason at all. And it is scary because this has never happened but this change, is a pleasing change. One day, I might lose it, all of it, but right now, I’m holding on to what keeps me going and I hope it goes on. I hope I go on, for as long as I last.

And it scared me again. Because now that I have so many things and because I am holding on to them so dearly, I am afraid to lose all of it, and I’m also afraid to lose myself along the way. But in these couple of days, I think I found myself. The part of me I know I want to preserve and not lose in my pursuit of happiness. The values that I will always believe in and my beliefs that will take me through my toughest times. This is what will keep me going, and I can never ever forget it.”

I think somewhere along the way, I forgot that I wanted to be happy. It is not that I was particularly unhappy or anything along those lines. I just wasn’t very satisfied, or contended with anything or everything. But happiness, if you want it, can you just get it? Sometimes, it takes very little for me to be happy. But other times, it takes a lot for me to be happy.

It’s weird. On my way to work in the morning I would walk past a park. Seeing people doing their morning workout, jogging with their loved ones, the elderly breathing in their dose of morning air, kids playing on the slide and with their dogs, these things make me happy and I catch myself smiling. I can be happy for no reason. I was just happy because I am. So you see, I can be happy so easily. Some mornings, I wake up, stretch, brush my teeth, and feel instantaneously happy. There need no reason for happiness. Imagine if we had to be happy for a reason. Then that happiness can be taken away from us so easily.

But we don’t just experience one type of emotion or feeling in a day, or at any one point in time. While I can be happy, can I also not be completely happy? Like at work. It’s quite a weird reason to stop me from being completely happy. I think my happiness is linked to many things. I feel like I have not enough to do at work. A typical worker will be happy because there is more free time for the self. But I desire more and I long for more. I want to be constantly thinking, pushed to the brim and to the boundaries. I want to learn everyday. I want to grow. And I know that I can capable of so much more. Because I cannot achieve all these, I cannot be completely happy. So what is happiness. I don’t really know. I just know that I’m not very happy now.

I really don’t like it when people talk about senseless things and are so serious when talking about them. It’s like making a mountain out of a molehill. I don’t like inefficiency. I think that there is a distinct difference between procrastination and inefficiency. Inefficiency is taking 5h to do something that can be done in 1h. Procrastination can be the same thing, but the main difference is the choice. I am easily irritable. But I think that over the years, I have learnt how to contain myself better. The journey towards being a better person and the person I want to be…